A relationship should be making you happy. It is supposed to make you feel safe and comfortable. But unfortunately, mine didn’t. I spent day after day wondering if I’ll ever be able to move on. Would I ever get back to being normal?
I stayed in a relationship with the wrong person, a person who wasn’t good for me at all. I couldn’t forget about him. I knew he was bad for me, but I was too afraid to get out.
I was ashamed of not doing anything about it for too long. I was too weak to stand up for myself.
I get terrified thinking about how my life would be today if I hadn’t escaped from that toxic man.
I lost my self-esteem.
I was a puppet in the hands of the person I dated. He made all my decisions and told me what I must do. I lost my own worth and lost control of my own life. I was too weak and afraid to stand up to him and fight it.
I lost my confidence.
I became too worried about how I looked and carried myself. I didn’t know how to be happy anymore. He never laughed at my jokes, he never complimented me, neither did he ever start a normal chat with me. I began doubting if I’m even good enough. I forgot that I’m a smart, fun-loving, pretty girl because of him.
I thought he’s not like that.
I kept telling myself that the person I chose to be with, cannot be someone so toxic. I thought he’ll change soon. Sadly, he didn’t.
I never really knew him.
I waited and waited to see his true self. I expected that true self to be something different than what I was facing. Maybe he does love me, he just needs some more space. But that harmful manwas indeed his true side.
He made me doubt everyone.
I made myself believe that every man was just like him. I didn’t let anyone come into my life as I thought they might be just as bad. I never spoke of my problems with anyone, even my friends, thinking I’m at fault. I pretended that my relationship was the best thing that happened to me when I was actually depressed.
He was self-obsessed.
I gave him all my love but he never gave it back. He never smiled seeing me, never hugged me in joy. He didn’t seem to like anyone but his own self. It’s like I was alone even though I was with him.
He suppressed others to feel superior.
The person I dated wanted everyone around him to look up to him. Feeling superior made him feel on top of the world. Putting people down made him feel better about himself. He always needed to have someone to boss over.
He manipulated me and I let him.
Whatever bad thing he did to me, I felt like that was something I deserved. I didn’t confront him even if I knew he was lying to my face. I took the blame for everything and accepted the unfairness. He wanted himself to be the only person in my life. He showed his jealousy about everything I did, the people I spoke to, even the people I randomly smiled at. He insulted me in various ways if a guy ever spoke to me nicely. I believed it was my fault, so I changed myself. I became someone he wanted me to be. He manipulated me to transform myself into a heartless person. I lost my fun-loving attitude.
But, I’ve never been stronger.
Leaving him was the bravest thing I’ve ever done. It made me a strong person who has no fear. Nothing can stop me now. It made me realize that I need to be the true person I am, no matter what anyone says. I found the strength to fight my fears and stand up for myself.
I did go back to normal. I got back my bubbly, fun attitude and cracked jokes which made people around me laugh like crazy. My friends were overjoyed to finally have the real me back.
I felt free. And I am proud of myself. My experience made me realize that I’m only hell of a Wonder woman. I learnt to love myself and to never put myself down.